It’s a day of celebration for Steve McDonald. ‘The clanging noise of scaffolding has never sounded so sweet,’ he says, like an inner-city William Wordsworth. Yes, the metallic eyesore that has been clogging up the cobbles for months on end is finally being removed. Steve says the scaffolding blocked so much daylight his bedroom felt like Count Dracula’s crypt. The day isn’t going so smoothly for Aggie Bailey, who finds herself coerced into attending a charity auction by Yvette Leighton. Aggie insists that her daughter Dee-Dee goes with her. ‘I am not facing the Stepford Wives alone,’ she says, referring to Ira Levin’s 1972 satirical novel about female compliance (the big-screen adaptation followed three years later and there was a remake in 2004).
Stephen Reid is confronted by Owen Longford, who knows Stephen has been making up stories about him being a womaniser. To make matters worse, Jenny is also aware the acid-tongued Canuck called her a ‘bunny boiler’ – a deeply insulting term derived from the 1987 movie Fatal Attraction, although the phrase doesn’t appear in the film. Stephen rabbits away in an attempt to explain himself, but Owen tells him to hop it. At Viaduct Bistro, Aggie arrives for the charity auction with Sally Metcalfe in tow. Dee-Dee got out of it temporarily by making a successful bid for freedom, but she’ll be along later. Looking at the crowd, Leanne Battersby observes: ‘There’s more surgery in here than on The Six Million Dollar Man.’ Lee Majors starred in the Seventies sci-fi series as Steve Austin, a former astronaut who was rebuilt with bionic parts after a serious accident. Aggie makes the opening bid for one of the items in the catalogue, just to impress Yvette, but unfortunately she ends up as the owner of a £3,000 summer house. At least she didn’t pay six million for it.
Stephen really loses it at Underworld and orders everyone to go home. Machinist Sean Tully is wearing a Twist & Shout sweatshirt (the song made famous by The Beatles was written in 1961 and originally recorded by The Top Notes), which proves to be prophetic as Stephen rants at full volume and smashes up the factory. As he throws boxes and clothes rails in all directions, the episode’s director misses a trick by not showing the action in slow motion so it looks like a scene from The Six Million Dollar Man. Michael Bailey walks in and Stephen explains that his outburst was the result of Owen declaring he’ll fire him once he takes over. When Michael suggests talking to Owen, Stephen quotes a line from Shakespeare’s King Lear: ‘That way madness lies.’ Stephen should know madness’s exact whereabouts, having taken up permanent residence there quite some time ago.
Stephen goes to The Rovers and tells Jenny he has romantic feelings for her. She responds that life isn’t like a Mills & Boon novel, which is a good thing because it’s unlikely – out of the thousands of books published by the company – any of them ever concluded with the heroine riding off into the sunset with a serial killer like Stephen. Later, he tells his fiancée Elaine Jones that he wants to buy Underworld, but she tells him her idea of a blissful marriage is relaxing on the Norfolk Broads, glugging wine and listening to Michael Bublé.
Tim Metcalfe and Steve have just returned from their own afternoon idyll – a local pub crawl, topped off with kebabs. Steve criticises Tim for giving his pork scratchings to a barmaid and admits he’s turned off by the sight of a woman eating deep-fried, salted, pig-skin bar snacks. He can’t imagine Kim Basinger ever doing that, although Tim can. Quite vividly. Steve argues that the incredibly well-stocked fridge in the actress’s 1986 film Nine And A Half Weeks didn’t contain any scratchings. She did star in a 1993 film called The Real McCoy, though, so maybe she’s more of a crisps fan.
Elaine and Stephen have moved house. She suggests a quiet evening at home, watching the box. Her suggested viewing is an episode of ITV’s Noughties mystery series Rosemary & Thyme, which starred Felicity Kendal and Pam Ferris. While Elaine pops out for a bottle of bubbly, Stephen swaps her blood pressure pills for caffeine tablets. It’s clear the only box he plans to watch is a pine one, containing Elaine, as it’s lowered into the ground.
Coronation Street episode 10977/78. Originally aired 12th June 2023.
