Speed Daal has been targeted for vandalism and Yasmeen Metcalfe blames ‘disassociated youths with time on their hands and despair in their hearts.’ Stu Carpenter thinks that sounds like a Morrissey lyric. Meanwhile, Max Turner is so emboldened by having a girlfriend and soaking up Griff Reynolds’ rightist propaganda he’s acting like a Nietzschean übermensch. ‘Everything I say is poetry,’ he prounounces. Shakespeare was also a poet and a line he penned sums up Max perfectly: ‘His wit’s as thick as a Tewkesbury mustard.’ Coincidentally, that also sounds like a Morrissey lyric.
Debbie Webster’s wit doesn’t impress Ronnie Bailey, who tells her Sarah Millican has nothing to worry about. As for Glenda Shuttleworth, her showbiz anecdotes continue apace as she harks back to doing a Riverdance tribute that also paid homage to Irish singer Dana. Glenda’s trip down memory lane is interrupted by some extremist peacocking from Griff, who denies being responsible for the red paint that was thrown over Speed Daal. ‘I leave that sort of thing to Banksy,’ claims the Freshco’s cut-price-range Sir Oswald Mosley.
Bernie Winter is pessimistically preparing herself for a heavy prison sentence. Rather than the condemned woman eating a hearty meal, she wants to listen to some Joni Mitchell. Then Bernie gets some good news about her double Fern Lindon resurfacing and she starts babbling about Jack And The Beanstalk, declaring: ‘Thunderbirds are go!’ From dejection to elation, she’s looking at life from both sides now.
Daryan Zahawi shows he has a realistic streak when he accepts that having feelings for singer and actress Selena Gomez doesn’t mean anything will ever happen. Unfortunately, Hope Stape and reality haven’t been on speaking terms since she read the book about her serial killer dad. She thinks of the book as being like her personal episode of ITV sobathon Long Lost Family. Talking of families, Glenda coins the nickname ‘the von Trapps’ for Gemma Winter and Chesney Brown because they have loads of kids like the clan in The Sound Of Music. Glenda also announces that her celebrity lookalike is Angelina Jolie, which is greeted by the sound of silence.
At the Bistro, Ronnie shares his favourite movie moment with Kevin Webster. It’s the tension-filled, shaky-cam scene at London’s Waterloo Station in The Bourne Ultimatum. Kevin concurs and says that’s an illustration of ‘the difference between birds and blokes’, despairing that Abi Webster thinks the lights being switched off on Take Me Out is just as exciting. Let the male see the chauvinist.
Back at Speed Daal, Stu is surprised when Yasmeen informs him she wants their platonic period to end. She equates it with Pablo Picasso’s Blue Period. The only colour Griff and his fascist flunkies are interested in is white. ‘ET, go home!’ they grunt at Daryan, even though they don’t have a clue where he’s actually from. As Gertie almost said in Steven Spielberg’s sci-fi classic, is Griff a pig? He sure acts like one.
Coronation Street episode 10795/96. Originally aired 14th Nov 2022.
