‘We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language,’ wrote Oscar Wilde in his 1887 short story The Canterville Ghost. At Roy’s Rolls, Sarah Barlow tells her husband Adam she’s trying to alter that situation by using a splash of American vernacular in her business dealings with a US company. Adam thinks most things we say in this country already parrot American speech, thanks to the influence of TV shows like Friends and Grey’s Anatomy. Despite Grey’s Anatomy racking up more than 400 episodes over 19 seasons (and counting), Sarah admits she’s never watched it. That’s awesome.
A policeman walks into a bar. That sounds like the beginning of a joke and, in a sense, it is. When PC Craig Tinker enters The Rovers, Glenda Shuttleworth greets him by saying: ‘I’ve got a joke for you. What do you get if you cross Craig Tinker and Diego Maradona?’ Craig has no idea. ‘The hand of plod,’ says Glenda.
At Underworld, the meeting with the American clients is underway. The company’s representatives are actually British, but that doesn’t prevent Stephen Reid from trying to forge a bit of transatlantic goodwill by referencing the play Our American Cousin. It’s a bizarre conversational gambit because, as Carla Barlow points out, the 1858 farce by Tom Taylor was the play Abraham Lincoln was watching when he got assassinated. But other than that, Stephen, how was the meeting? Owen Longford from the American distributors asks Stephen what Lincoln’s killer was called and Carla shows her historical knowledge again by identifying him as John Wilkes Booth.
Elsewhere in the factory, Kirk Sutherland is telling Fiz Dobbs about his early-bird drive to Southampton and back. He says he was playing Eminem to keep himself awake, which makes Fiz all nostalgic about the time Kirk proposed to her by rapping The Real Slim Shady. Meanwhile, the meeting is wrapping up, but not before Stephen once again doses Carla’s beverage with LSD. Like Slim Shady, they all stand up – except for Carla, who babbles: ‘Guys, guys, guys, don’t forget the dolls.’ Stephen explains away her behaviour by saying she’s making an in-joke about the musical Guys And Dolls.
As Underworld’s workforce celebrate the successful meeting, Beatles fan Stephen compares the situation to the Fab Four’s continent-conquering first appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1964. He asks if anyone knows what The Beatles sang that night. Sean Tully confidently shouts: ‘Yellow Submarine!’ No, corrects Stephen, it was All My Loving, ’Til There Was You and She Loves You. Sally Metcalfe voices her love for All My Loving, but Kirk’s favourite is Daydream Believer (which, of course, is by The Monkees). Somewhat predictably, Beth Sutherland prefers The Human League. ‘Is that the one about a waitress?’ asks Sarah. At which point, a brain-frazzled Carla appears. Sally asks if she prefers John, Paul, George and Ringo or Phil Oakey and his synth-pop combo, but Carla is so wrecked on acid she’s like a living embodiment of The Beatles’ song Help. ‘Get out of my factory!’ she yells, sounding like an industrial Peggy from EastEnders. We don’t get to hear Stephen’s favourite Beatles song, but his proclivity for spiking drinks with LSD makes Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds a serious contender.
Ryan Connor is having a supportive chat with Daisy Midgeley about her constantly-surfacing stalker. ‘He’s Jaws,’ he observes. As for Carla, Peter Barlow and Stephen are helping her get home, but Carla brands Stephen a beetle and a scorpion. Stephen contextualises her comments by explaining to Peter they were discussing The Beatles earlier.
Stephen then goes to The Rovers, where Sally enquires after Carla’s mental state and he compares her to Alice In Wonderland. The trippy references come thick and fast, like a hallucinogenic rush, with Rufus Donahue accusing Stephen of dosing Carla with the acid he acquired from him. The lysergic lizard tries to slither out of his predicament, claiming it was for his personal use and that he’s only following in the esteemed footsteps of the late Apple CEO and LSD-dabbler Steve Jobs. Rufus is having none of it and ruminates on how Carla will react if she discovers Stephen has turned her life into an episode of The Magic Roundabout. Sarah deposits some coins in the pub jukebox and selects The Human League’s Don’t You Want Me for Beth. The song plays in the background as a self-satisfied Rufus ranks his detective skills alongside Sherlock Holmes and threatens to expose Stephen’s actions. A note of caution for Rufus. Holmes famously took a tumble at the Reichenbach Falls and Stephen has form when it comes to chucking someone cobblewards from a great height.
Coronation Street episode 10902/03. Originally aired 15th March 2023.
