Is it possible to make Gogglebox even more compulsive viewing? Yes, it is…
There was a brief period in our history when musical mashups held sway over the nation. Initially, they were the domain of innovators like DJ Danger Mouse and DJ Freelance Hellraiser, but by the time Kylie Minogue performed Can’t Get Blue Monday Out Of My Head (a blending of her own song Can’t Get You Out Of My Head and New Order’s Blue Monday) at the 2002 BRIT Awards, mashups had become part of the mainstream. The Top 10 of the UK Singles chart found itself regularly dented by acts who employed the song-splicing method, such as Sugababes and Liberty X.
Channel 4 brought this two-become-one model to television in 2012, Frankensteining together a couple of its most popular programmes to create 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown. The resulting mirth-making hybrid peaked some years ago (to be fair, it was always going to be difficult for it to maintain the dizzying heights of Joe Wilkinson’s penis-naming poem and gone-too-soon genius Sean Lock’s Nazi Island and Rectum Of The Year routines), but the fact that the amalgamated comedy vehicle has puttered along for 23 series and counting indicates there’s still some mileage left in the telly mashup tank.
Gogglebox recently celebrated its first decade on the air and I feel it’s crying out for a mashup element. The show is already conceptually brilliant, so merging it with an entirely different programme would only serve to lessen its genius. Instead, it should take its two existing properties – the regular Gogglebox and the Celebrity version (Gogglesprogs appears to be on hiatus) – and squeeze them together into a third variant. The new show would feature famous faces from the starry edition bunching up on the sofa with families from the less-stellar format. How could it fail?
The couch potato mashup I most crave is Noel Gallagher and the Malone family. Noel appeared on Celebrity Gogglebox in 2014 alongside Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell, but his sharp wit was blunted by the champagne supermodel surroundings. In the same way that working with producer David Holmes coaxed the former Oasis star into a greater spirit of invention, the Malone abode would provide him with the optimal setting for his dry sense of humour and acerbic put downs. Remember, this is the man who described Jack White as ‘Zorro on doughnuts’. If you were to shave Noel’s head, he and Malone patriarch Tom could even pass as brothers – although that could make the team-up a brief affair, given Noel’s fractious history with fraternal bonding. If Malone mum Julie comes out with one of her WTF comments, Noel is also ideally equipped to raise a quizzical eyebrow along with the rest of the family.
Also based in Manchester, the Worthingtons watch television from a living room that’s a crochet-filled explosion of colour. It wouldn’t look out of place on the cover of Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band or it could be used as the vibrant set of a Pedro Almodovar movie. Olympic gold medalist Tom Daley, a keen crocheter, would feel very much at home if he dived onto the Worthington’s cosy upholstery for a knit and natter session in front of the box.
Pete and Sophie Sandford are Gogglebox’s funniest and most incisive armchair critics. The novelty mug-wielding siblings can take down anyone from bullshitting politicians to deluded reality TV stars with their hilarious, perfectly targeted barbs. They’re Statler and Waldorf from The Muppets made flesh. If you were to combine them with the acid wit of Kathy Burke from the first Celebrity Gogglebox, no one would be safe.
So often the voices of reason and decency, the wonderful Siddiqui family could be deployed in tandem with another national treasure, such as Shaun Ryder, Michael Sheen or Lorraine Kelly. If that’s too much of a good thing, put them in the same room as the boorish Gordon Ramsay to illustrate, by stark contrast, what a truly unappetising presence he is.
A double act of Rylan Clark’s mum Linda and Hull’s finest Jenny Newby would be a surreal and rewarding experience, given their comedically askew views of the universe, while Rebecca Lucy Taylor (aka Self Esteem) joining forces with best friends Danielle and Daniella or sisters Ellie and Izzi Warner would be two more winning pairings. How about Giles Wood meeting his eccentric equal in Chris Eubank Sr? Or Mary Killen being bowled over by the genteel charm of Nigel Havers?
Channel 4, you know what to do.
